Count up the blessings after a domestic!  And have awareness sooner than later that you’ve been taken hostage by your mind, AGAIN. It’s ok that you were taken from the truth, so long as you’re aware that you were!
Do you have days when you think (ok first sentence and I’ve found the problem- THINK) thinkin will cruel it for us every time!!
Ok it’s a human destructive problem and I was a victim today.
As I write I can feel the illusion of my self destruction lift. blessing numero uno. The awareness.
Greg (if you don’t know by know is my incredible partner of 30 years) blessing #2. We were chatting over our coffee when all of a sudden it all turned to shit.
We’d woken with lightness, always with a laugh and a crass in ya face retort of some description.  Yep that’s how we do LOVE sometimes. blessing #3 ( well of course not always but mostly our mornings start in some light hearted loving way and not always do we say crass things. Na, yeah we do!
We made our coffee. blessing #4 haha. Assumed our positions opposite each other at the table. Blessing #5. I Love that we have this ritual! We chat about life in general. Ok I know, blessings galore acknowledged!!!
Well sometimes we’re leave each other lifted sometimes not and that’s ok too. Wait there’s more blessings, there IS for all of us… if only we can go beyond the Bullshit and lies the mind makes us believe and notice them.
Yeah yeah count ya blessings. You’ve heard it before. NO. Count em!!!
Ok sorry for shouting. Please try it. Meek voice now I promise.
Well it wasn’t long before our energy took a solid catapult south. Catapults go upward??! Anyway you know what I mean.
Greg was on the phone  to Tash, our number 3, she’d just been declined a lift to school by her brother Vaughn, #2, on his way to Tafe. A few moments out of his way!!
“WTF happened to our kids”. Ok so it began. “What’d we do wrong. Our kids are so friggin entitled. It seems being generous and kind to them taught them nothing about be generosity and kindness!!” And needless to say this is not our first reminder of the ‘entitled’ fact.
Greg got off the phone after giving Vaughn a serve about not taking his sister to school and proceeded to rant about how ungrateful and self indulged our children are!! One does something to drive us and all
Of a sudden they’re all no gooders and coppin it.  Kid number one is asleep and the other one is at school. Um this time it’s #2. But it turned to “ALL OUR kids were painful humans”
Somehow from our dark place  (well we know how- mind control) we ended up in a spiral about our self funded retirement and taxes and the endless obligations self employment brings to both of us. Generally a what’s the point, life is so shit conversation ensued.
Talk about contagious energy. Man what an example this was…  AND I JOINED RIGHT IN!!!!
What IS the point of it all.
Hang on.
What’s the point? The point is our heads took over.  Nothing had changed much on the surface. We were still sat there in our house with our coffee. Except a minor incident in our son’s journey to becoming a man. Making a dumb decision not to give his sister a ride. How is it then that we arrive with this dreaded feeling rushing in our bodies believing life wasn’t worth living???!!!
I write 3 hours after…..
It ended.  I’d said ‘I think you better go to work this is going nowhere and I feel depressed! Yeah Me too!! He said, entrenched. Stuck. He gathered his stuff and left the house.
My own quick sand stuckness had me straight on a text to Vaughn to express my disappointment about him not taking his sister to school and how he needed to look out for his family more than his friends!! He immediately replied. yes “mum I know I shouldn’t have don’t that I’ll talk to Tash later. Blessing 6. He really does get his own mistake.
It started to switch.
The next bit shows my son knows how to express himself. Whopper Blessing 7
Our text message evolved and Vaughn told me his feelings around us questioning him about where he is and who he’s with!!   Blessing 8 we are loving caring FANTASTIC parents)
Considering his past decisions things are great but we’re a little weary ok. He articulated that he feels he’s being  interrogated everytime he comes home.
Our conversation ended with this from me. ….blessing 9 by 11:18am the self torture mind sabotage had fully left my body!
As scrambled and deceiving as it was. Clarity was emerging.
Here’s my message to my adorable son.
“I love you so much Vaughn.
I know you will find your way. Sometimes it’s rocky that’s only because we have so much to friggin learn.
This is another one of those times to learn.
You’re right, I need to leave the past where it belongs now and trust that you will choose the right road. It takes courage to live life with resistance to the temptations. Your life will be full of greatness if you do. I promise.
God gives us the lessons we need to enjoy a life without regret. I’ve said it to you all your life. Our big lessons are hidden behind the mistakes we make. You and I have made some monumental mistakes along the way and we’ve both been given the chance to change a little for the better every time.
So when things stuff up stop and remember. ok that went so wrong how can i clean up and then do it differently next time. Thank God we get the chance to do that. Practice over and over on the little stuff ups like choosing not give your sister a ride. And next time when your mess it bigger, you’re ready!
❤As the person whose honour it was to give birth to you. You incredible human!!! it’s tricky to fully let you go to find your own way. I won’t ever fully, Im you’re mumma. You need me. You don’t know you do but I know you do. I needed my mother and you need me.
What I do know from this moment is that I need to let go of the past and of what I can’t change in the future of your life. I will trust you and love you forever and ever.
Go carefully Angel. I’ll be here always. NO MATTER WHAT!
BTW …..
Whatever is going on with your friends. Remember nothing ever stays the same and everything passes. Blessings in disguise always….,You’ll get to learn a thing or two from whatever it is.” Love Mum
…..And so puts closure to what was a tricky child raring episode. My admission to needing the strength to let it all go now.
Blessing 10
Who could have ever planned such a morning filled with so many blessings. Not planned by me but FOR me. Nothing shitty ever happens just for the hell if it or so we can suffer.
Its 11:35 now gotta get moving. I hear number 1 kid, he’s somehow 21 now, rustling from his slumber. Thundering down the stairs….’Oh mum ya still here!! Can I take the car.’ Sure you can. Hahaha. And so entitlement continues. Love it.
Afternoon shift now at Face Faxx , a place I also call home. Blessing 11. I love it there! I hope you find some quiet relief through your next treatments away from the debilitating noise in YOUR head. It’s all an illusion you know! My morning has proven that.
Life is never as bad as the mind makes it out to be.
love bonnie
P >S I’ve done a quick spell check and edit. A Count of my blessings . Thing is if I don’t post it now.  My head’ll take over and I won’t post at all. Haha
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